By Robert Davies, Bergen County Family Law Attorney
As a family law attorney with over four decades of experience in Bergen County, I’ve sat across from hundreds of parents, watching their eyes fill with concern as they ask the same question: “What will happen with my children?” Whether you’re just beginning your divorce journey or seeking to modify existing arrangements, understanding New Jersey’s approach to custody is crucial for protecting your relationship with your children.
Understanding the Two Types of Custody: Beyond the Basics
When we talk about custody in New Jersey, we’re actually discussing two distinct but equally important concepts: legal custody and physical custody. Let me break these down in a way that relates to your daily life as a parent.
Legal Custody: Your Voice in Your Child’s Future
Think of legal custody as your seat at the decision-making table for your child’s life. In my practice, I often explain it this way: If parenting were a corporate structure, legal custody would be your position on the board of directors. It’s about having a voice in the significant decisions that shape your child’s future.
When parents share legal custody – which is the most common arrangement in New Jersey – they must work together on crucial decisions about their children’s lives. This means collaborating on educational choices, from selecting schools to addressing special education needs. It means jointly considering medical treatments and choosing healthcare providers. Religious upbringing, mental health care, and even significant extracurricular commitments all require both parents’ input when legal custody is shared.
Many parents ask me about sole legal custody, but in New Jersey, this is relatively rare. Courts typically only grant sole legal custody in specific circumstances, such as cases involving domestic violence, severe mental illness, or substance abuse. Even then, the court’s primary concern is whether both parents can effectively communicate and make decisions in their child’s best interest.
Physical Custody: Creating a Home (or Homes) for Your Child
Physical custody is about more than just where your child lays their head at night – it’s about creating stability and routine in their daily life. In New Jersey, we see several common arrangements, each designed to meet families’ unique needs and circumstances.
When one parent has primary physical custody, it means the child lives with them most of the time while maintaining regular contact with the other parent through scheduled parenting time. This arrangement often works well when parents live far apart or when maintaining the child’s connection to a specific school or community is paramount.
Shared physical custody, on the other hand, aims to give children substantial time with both parents. But let me be clear: shared custody doesn’t always mean a perfect 50-50 split. Instead, it’s about creating a schedule that allows children to maintain strong relationships with both parents while accounting for everyone’s daily realities.
The “Best Interests” Standard: How Courts Really Make Custody Decisions
When parents come to my office unable to agree on custody arrangements, I often explain that New Jersey courts use what’s called the “best interests of the child” standard. But what does this really mean for your case?
The court’s analysis begins with looking at how well you and your co-parent can work together. They’ll consider your history of cooperation, your willingness to put aside personal differences for your children’s sake, and your ability to foster relationships between the children and the other parent.
Your child’s relationship with each parent matters significantly. Courts look at the quality of existing bonds, including relationships with siblings and extended family. They consider each parent’s ability to provide a stable home environment and maintain the child’s routine.
Safety is paramount. Any history of domestic violence will be carefully examined, not just for its direct impact on children but for what it suggests about a parent’s ability to create a secure environment and co-parent effectively.
Creating a Parenting Plan That Actually Works
Throughout my years of practice, I’ve learned that the most successful custody arrangements are those that account for both the ideal and the realistic. A good parenting plan isn’t just about dividing days on a calendar – it’s about creating a framework for cooperative parenting that can adapt as your children grow and circumstances change.
Your parenting plan should detail not just the regular schedule but also how you’ll handle holidays, school breaks, and special occasions. It should outline how you’ll make decisions, communicate about your children’s needs, and resolve disagreements when they arise (and they will arise).
What many parents don’t realize is that flexibility can be built into even the most detailed plan. For instance, you might include provisions for schedule adjustments when work demands change or as children’s activities evolve. The key is creating a structure that provides stability while allowing room for real-life circumstances.
Modern Challenges in Custody Arrangements
Today’s custody arrangements face challenges our predecessors never imagined. Technology has transformed how we parent and how we communicate about parenting. Virtual visitation, social media boundaries, and access to online school portals all need to be addressed in modern custody agreements.
The COVID-19 pandemic has taught us valuable lessons about flexibility in custody arrangements. Many families have had to adapt to remote learning, changing work situations, and health protocols. These experiences have shown us the importance of building adaptability into custody agreements while maintaining stability for our children.
When Circumstances Change: Modifying Custody Arrangements
Life doesn’t stand still after your custody arrangement is finalized, and there are several things you should avoid during child custody disputes. Children grow, jobs change, and families evolve. When circumstances shift significantly, your custody arrangement may need to change too. The key is recognizing when these changes warrant legal modification and when they can be handled through informal agreements between cooperative parents.
Taking the Next Step
If you’re facing custody decisions in Bergen County or northern New Jersey, remember that knowledge and preparation are your allies. While this guide provides a foundation for understanding custody matters, every family’s situation is unique. Your specific circumstances, your children’s needs, and your family’s dynamics all play crucial roles in determining the best custody arrangement for your situation.
Consider taking these initial steps:
- Document your current parenting responsibilities and involvement in your children’s lives
- Think about your ideal custody arrangement while remaining open to compromise
- Gather information about your children’s schedules, activities, and special needs
- Consider speaking with a family law attorney who can guide you through the process
Remember, the goal isn’t to win a custody battle – it’s to create an arrangement that serves your children’s best interests while preserving your role as a parent. In my four decades of practice, I’ve found that parents who approach custody matters with this mindset typically achieve better outcomes for everyone involved.
Ready to discuss your child custody case? Contact us today for a consultation with an experienced New Jersey family law attorney.
Robert Davies is a Bergen County family law attorney with over 40 years of experience in custody, divorce, and family law matters. He has been rated “BV” by Martindale Hubbell Peer Review and serves clients throughout northern New Jersey.